September 26, 2023

*Set off Warning* 

Nervousness – Psychological Well being – Self-harm 

 “Appears will be deceiving”. 

“By no means choose a e book by its cowl”. 

2 totally different phrases that most individuals would know.

I’ve been struggling for just a few days with my psychological well being. 

My lengthy present readers will know that my psychological well being has been an extended 9 yr rollercoaster of a journey. Generally I’m positive however then different instances, when it’s not nice, I have a tendency to speak about it right here. 

This time I’ve actually been combating my anxiousness; particularly social anxiousness triggers. 

I wrote a publish again in January known as “Thou Shall Not Choose” the place I spoke about being a Christian however not all the time a standard stereotypical Christian. I expressed curiosity in taking my religion additional, pursuing a lifetime of service additional on in my life. 

It was one thing I needed to. One thing I genuinely really feel known as to do however with my present life place and my well being I doubt I’ll. 

On this path, Hannah and I’ve been serving to our church and provided to assist the sister church. 

It was tough for me. That church, for me, is wrapped in lots of previous trauma. Going proper again to earlier than my nervous breakdown and earlier than the boys Mum and I separated.

What occurred after I stopped going was truly listed as one of many contributing components to my breakdown. It was stated “a lack of a neighborhood that I held my future hope in” had a big impression on my, unknown at the moment, Dependent Character Dysfunction. 

Now don’t get me mistaken. 

I used to be younger (28) and I did so much mistaken. Quite a bit that I’m not happy with however there was additionally so much that I didn’t do, that I used to be blamed for and ended up carrying.

Over time my understanding of my very own psychological well being has develop into deeper and I can cope higher. I’ve a greater perception into it. I’ve additionally accepted and are available to phrases with my previous and reached some extent the place I can transfer forwards. Or so I assumed. 

Nevertheless, I did one thing mistaken on the weekend.

Actually, it was an error. My mistake. There’s plenty of miscommunication and causes I may state however I admit that it’s flagged an error of judgement; one thing I’ve subsequently, repeatedly apologised for. 

But it surely actually triggered not solely my earlier trauma however what grew to become a 4.5 day anxiousness assault. 

It was horrible. 

My coronary heart was racing quick and exhausting. My thoughts was racing faster. No urge for food and no room for ease. Not to mention the wash of detrimental ideas consistently going by means of my mind. A continuing argument of what I ought to have executed otherwise, if I may. A lot in order that for 3 days I used to be caught, mentally, on the presumption of conversations that “may” occur and what the reply to questions “may” be simply in case it was wanted. What was worse was the truth that twice I used to be in conditions and twice I didn’t say what my overthinking anxiousness mind had ready me to say; which then introduced extra anxiousness, upset and self-belittlement. 

Sleep wasn’t my good friend. Let’s be sincere, between my psychosis and my Muscular Dystrophy sleep isn’t my good friend anyway however this was worse. 

The issue I face is the Martyn that everybody sees. 

I’m not essentially speaking concerning the Martyn who was perceived on this state of affairs. 

I imply, there have been some detrimental assumptions of my intent which upset, upset and fed my psychological well being disaster however that wasn’t the problem; it was the person I used to be presenting myself to be in entrance of your entire world. 

For the surface world I appear to be this outspoken, assured and powerful particular person. The individual that individuals go “You, outspoken? No, what a shock” *inserts eye rolls*. When, in actuality, I’m not.

Inside I’m the utter mess that I discussed above on the point of crying, screaming, breaking and operating.

Everybody is aware of right here that I’m a recovering alcoholic but don’t realise how much drinking was a coping mechanism or how extremely hard it was to go sober and maintain it for the last 9 years. I pretty much hid away for a year, breaking friendships and relationships just by not coping – but surviving. 

Since then coping techniques are in place. Some negative and some positive. 

That’s where I struggle with my image. Those who see the confident, chatty and capable person aren’t seeing the guy who has just ripped his fingers a part because in that moment he just hit a high peak of anxiety. No one notices. 


It’s not even an motion that I do for self-harm functions. I’ve not self harmed for 9 years and that is undoubtedly totally different. That is an uncontrolled, anxiousness ridden second 

After, I remorse it. After, I want I hadn’t executed it. 

Then the Inside arguments occur. Repeat the trail of tension. I choose, scratch, I can not eat in entrance of individuals, not to mention eat usually. 

It simply looks like individuals do not see and do not perceive that conditions aren’t how they seem and that this response is not an overreaction.

I do know I can not make individuals see a unique me. That is their opinion. I simply HATE the notion that they’ve of me. Not as a result of their judgement is mistaken however extra as a result of I’m jealous that isn’t the true me. 

It’s really easy to evaluate somebody on appearances. 

The way in which, on these presumptions individuals can deal with an individual a sure approach and never fear. Not assume, “Hey, perhaps saying it that approach isn’t one of the simplest ways to say it to them?” 

I attempt so exhausting to mood myself when talking to others particularly after I comprehend it’s an individual who’s struggling. 

I are inclined to over-share and over discuss the state of affairs as a result of it’s all I can do. If I don’t then I simply run the chance of individuals doing this again and again which has been my expertise. However individuals don’t just like the over sharing. It makes them uncomfortable and it makes them realise they in all probability must be extra cautious. Nobody likes their very own accountability. 

This then simply creates its personal factor of sharing and never sharing since you don’t need to make them uncomfortable by over-sharing. 

For anybody with anxiousness in any type I hope this is smart. Proper now, as I write, there’s an enormous a part of my mind that thinks I’m completely loopy with how I really feel. 

I simply want that this publish can do 2 issues:

 1. Present that really, my outward look isn’t the true me. 

2. Make others assume earlier than they act as a result of it’s not so simple as being an introvert or an extrovert. Some, like me, will be introverted extroverts.